When you see people in America within the first few minutes of the conversation you will ask or be asked, what do you do? It is in our culture to be doing something, to be idle and not working is not in our perception of reality. Our answer to problems is hard work and persistence. But is that what was intended long ago, was that the reason for our existence? For Humanity to constantly be about doing something?
The deepest desire of my heart has always been to travel to a nation in need of love, acceptance, and hope. My heart beat was always to give of myself to others, however the pull of society, and the constraints of American society have hindered me from walking in the joy of my hearts desire. The cool thing about my life has been the opportunities to travel often, but the disaster has been coming home and trying to answer the question of what do you do. Yes, I work, I pay bills, I read, I drink coffee, but none of that is my heartbeat, and none of it brings delight to my aching soul.
I have been asked if I would ever live full time overseas as a missionary, my response is that I do not know. I would love to, it would be my heart’s desire fulfilled. However, the fear of my experiences, and my holding onto what I have here keeps me from fully saying yes. My dream since being seven in a service at church has been to travel to the nations. But the pain of my 20’s and the struggles within myself have brought questions and difficulty in believing that it is possible. A person would think that I would have great faith after seeing so much in my life, however, at times I feel I have little or no faith at all.
But one thing I do have is belief, I believe that God is with me, and he is watching over me. I know that He loves me and cares deeply for my life, and for the calling that He placed in my life as a child. But what I know is that He will not force me to do anything. Rather, He will patiently light the path that I should walk on, and bring people across my way who will help guide me to where I long to be.
“I am okay at fixing and building things, but I come alive when I give my time and attention to kids who do not receive time and attention.” – My heartbeat.
Why do I write, and share these longings? Because so many people just proclaim to the world that everything will be okay, you can do whatever you set your mind to. But they do not explain that challenges and obstacles will come. That people must persevere and fight to attain the calling and the purpose that is in their hearts. We may never see everything fulfilled which we see in our hearts, but that is the joy of humanity, that we can pass the vision of the Lord in our hearts to the next generation.